you know when a text conversation ends because you didn’t have anything cool or witty to reply and now it’s been a few days and you want to talk again but feel like it would be weird if you suddenly text back now?
that’s how I feel about writing on here. the longer I wait, the more pressure is on that opening blog post.
september. for the past three years, september was always the month where I decided which city I’m moving to next. september of 2014, I applied for jobs in new york. in september of 2015, I moved from new york to berlin. in september 2016, I had been accepted into central saint martins and made the decision to move to london. september of 2017, I was sick of london already and decided I want to move back to berlin after my travels in asia.
it’s september now, and I’m not going anywhere.
as much as berlin is my home now, it’s in my blood to constantly think “where to next?”, and I can't seem to shut these thoughts out. the thought of stability freaks me out. maybe I’ll be contempt in october?
it’s been 3 months since my last real anxiety attack. they were pretty bad in june, and always came at night. when it came to the point of dreading going to sleep, I set up an appointment with a therapist/coach. she looked like my mother (not off to a great start) and wanted to dig up my entire childhood and possible traumas within the first 20 minutes of meeting me. I have trouble opening up to people as is, and I don’t know if it was her pushiness or actual memories coming up, but I cried on the way home and never went back for my second appointment. so maybe my anxiety got better because I didn’t want to have to go see that therapist again? I definitely think talking about your thoughts helps, but I don’t think it should be done by force. some thinks come up when you’re ready to work through them. I wasn’t.
I’m on day two of trying a new thing: 10 minutes of nothing every day. I’m not so great at meditation, I use the app pacifica for guided ones but the calm voices of the meditators that speak you through them always annoy the fuck out of me. so after I wake up, I set my timer of 10 minutes and sit on the floor next to me bed and try to focus on nothing at all. it’s very hard. so far I don’t last longer than 40 seconds thinking about nothing.
I keep having vivid dreams. good and bad ones. nightmares about being alone in a huge house and someone breaking in. but also fun and random ones. sometimes with people in it that I haven't spoken to in years. if only they knew. online it says vivid dreams mean that you’re in a phase of change in your life. which is true, but I’m never not in a phase of change so I don’t know what my brain is trying to tell me.
at 8am on a sunday I had enough. I got up and moved my entire furniture into different places. I moved my bed into another room of my apartment now, because I spent too much time in bed. my bed was the centre of my living room and it just wasn’t working anymore. my workspace is now in a room with more light, and I’ve never been more productive. my knee still hurts from dragging my metal desk over my floor for an hour though.
I’m seeing a lot of people around me struggle with substance abuse. none of my close friends, but just people I know. in your mid twenties things quickly turn from a hobby to a problem. as a student, nothing’s wrong with going out every night, but by now people are diving into the ones that are doing something with their lives, and the ones that are wasting it. it’s very hard to watch seeing potential go unused. people I met when I first moved to berlin in 2012, that I thought would go so far, still hang around in the same places, with the same friends, just with less ambition.
not a week goes by in which I don’t get a “I just saw you at … but didn’t say hi” message on instagram. I know berlin is small and it should be normal to me that a lot of people know who I am but it weirds me out every time. I’m a very shy person and already get stared at at times, and not knowing whether that person is staring because they follow me on instagram or just plain staring because of the way I look or dress is a strange feeling. I have had people send me pictures they took of me walking around like it’s the most normal thing to them. how come someone feels comfortable taking my picture when I’m not looking but won’t have the courage to come up to me for a conversation? I think having people recognise me will never be a normality to me.
this week I’m finally buying things for disruptive, I’m learning so much every day. sometimes it feels like this is all a dream. I’ve been working on this for over a year but to really put in orders and pay invoices for products to be produced makes it a lot more real. I still lowkey think I’m hallucinating though. the other day I looked up my company in the state’s data files online, just to check if I REALLY had a company in my name. turns out I do. everything is kind of falling into place. when I meet strangers and have to explain what I’m doing during small talk, while I talk I see myself from a third person kind of view and am in disbelief what I’m actually saying. I can’t really express my gratitude towards getting to do what I love every single day. this morning I went for a walk and saw a disruptive sticker on an entrance door and took a hundred pictures of it.
life has been really good to me lately.
all pictures by viviengeena
two books I would love for you to read: “text me when you get home” by kayleen schaefer and “how not to die” by michael greger.