always leaving

i'm sitting in my uber to heathrow airport (got 2X price surge so everyone can forget their christmas presents from me by the way) and can't believe i'm leaving, again. 


I can't tell you how many goodbyes i've had in the past few years.  I always leave because I love change and hate the thought of settling down somewhere. but loving change doesn't mean the "things will never be the same after today" thought doesn't creep its way into my mind. my first hard goodbye was in 2009, when I moved away from all my friends in hamburg, anything I knew, to go to boarding school in england. it was only for a year, but a year is infinite when you're a teenager. I made the memories of a lifetime while I was was there and leaving was hard. I think the day my dad picked me up from boarding school I had my first "things will never be the same" thought. I would never walk these halls again. never sneak out at night to go drink in a park with the people that became my family within that year (luckily, some of them still are my family and we are just as close). it was also the first time I made international friends and didn't know when I could see them again. 


the following two years, I went to a boarding school in germany. going to boarding school is like field trip, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. imagine how close you become with the people you live with, even with the ones you don't like. to this day, from the two years filled with incredible memories, the day that sticks out as the most memorable for me, is the last. the day after our graduation ball. we were hungover, it was sunny that day. awfully quiet morning compared to the wild night we had. we all packed our things, clothes, pictures, anything (mind you we were LIVING there) and walked the halls so sentimental we barely got out any words. we were exited and ready for the world that was waiting for us, but you know there's always some people you will never see again... a strange thought. 


at that point, I already hat moved and left so many times that nothing really felt like home for me. it sounds sadder than it was, for me really it just meant that I never got homesick. home for me were people, family, some places and memories that felt familiar. I lived in berlin for over two years and was ready to leave again. I was in the same place for too long and just wanted out. so I left; I moved to new york. at that time I was so filled with excitement, I didn't pay any regards to the people that I left behind. I managed to stay close to a few of my friends that I had made in berlin the past years, but also lost a few as I failed to stay in touch while making new memories in new york. it was truly the summer of my life, so the day I left I think I was truly heartbroken. I remember standing outside of my friends house waiting for by uber and just balling my eyes out. I realised it wasn't only hard for me, the leaver, but equally for the people that I am leaving behind. while I am travelling to a new destination yet again, the friends that are staying will be in the same world, just with one person missing. I cried my eyes out alone on the long plane ride home but in the end I just thought, i'd rather be sad now than not to have these memories. 


so I was back for another year in berlin. but kind of sick of it because my living situation wasn't ideal (horrible roommate..long story) and was ready to leave again. mind you, the few amazing friends that I managed to keep in berlin, have already endured me leaving once for new york. I got accepted to central saint martins and yet again, brenda was like "i'm here now but I found something else so bye?". I'm incredibly grateful for the immense support I get from my friends because they all know my bigger goals in life and know if that means leaving for a bit, I have to go and chase after it.  

so moved to london. I came here not knowing how long i'll stay, but after only five months I decided after my masters is done i'll leave... again. even knowing that i'll be gone again soon, some people weren't afraid to get close to me and open their hearts and it means the world to me. sometimes I don't put in much effort to get close to people (especially in my love life) because I always, always leave and end up hurting them.  



this isn't a sad story. this is the lifestyle you see on my instagram, a new city every year, new people every year. and reading this might make some of you sad but it's the life I chose to live, I wouldn't have it any other way. all of the goodbyes are hard, but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I get to live in the cities of my dreams, meet the most amazing people, and share my life with so many souls. sometimes i'm on a flight somewhere and can't believe my life is real. I have best friends in berlin, in new york, in seoul, in LA, in hamburg, in paris, in london, anywhere really. and some of them will never get to meet each other. the goodbyes aren't getting any easier, that's for sure. the hours I spend on facetime are getting longer. and obviously there are times, mostly the day before I leave a place, when I think "why the fuck am I doing this to myself, again?".

if you had told me at 15 years old, the first time I had decided for myself that I wanted to move, I wouldn't believe you that this first step would change my life forever, that my friends would be scattered around the world and that I would consider home to be so many places. I am forever grateful for the people that stilll stick around.


just found these two images in the archives of my instagram. remember the headspace I was in in both of these so vividly. in one I was ready to get out, in the other one I'm heartbroken to leave.





life, inspobrendaComment