me, myself and deadlines

I am not a disciplined person.

I always got by with putting in little, but just enough effort.  my school years were a mixtures of really bad, and really good grades. the subjects I liked, such as english, art and business studies, I passed effortlessly. whereas the things I wasn't interested in, such as physics and maths, it was always a very thin line between passing and failing as I just couldn't be bothered to spend my time revising for something that I didn't like. I set my standards pretty low when it came to my time management and expectations for myself. 

I eventually graduated and made it to university. and I thought, studying communication management- i.e. something that I was interested in, I would put in effort in every subject and everything would go smoothly. But again, I wasn't disciplined. I had essays to hand in, and instead of just making use of the time that I was given for them, I pushed them to the very last weekend before the deadlines. pushing deadlines always resolves in stress. I read this quote on tumblr, that said “I got 99 problems and they all can be attributed to poor time management and self control”, which pretty much sums up my entire academic existence. I wouldn't have had any problems at all, if I just started working on all of my projects when I was supposed to. I didn’t. however, I was given one last chance to prove myself (to myself). everything that I have learned within the last three years has led up to the bachelor’s thesis phase. 

I thought this time, one last time, I would make use of the 8 weeks that were given to me to write my thesis. so two months ago, I tried to start writing. however, I soon came to realise that the reason why I always push things to the last minute, is that I just don’t like to work without any pressure. so what did I do? I used the first month or so to travel to london and amsterdam, visit my family in hamburg, did anything except for working on my thesis.

when the last three weeks before the deadline began, I slowly started working. and once I felt the pressure of having wasted the majority of my time and only having a few weeks left, my productivity suddenly increased drastically. the last few weeks were very stressful, included little hours of sleep, too much ordering food online, too many cigarettes, too much coffee and I even had to start taking vitamin D pills because my body wasn't exposed to the sun at all. however, I made the deadline. and in the end, deep down I knew that I wouldn't have started writing on my thesis until at least 50% of the time I was given for it was wasted. 

I am not a disciplined person, but I know myself enough to know how much time I can waste in order to still make the deadline. and maybe I'll know better next time. at least that's what I keep telling myself.