you have to confirm twice to delete the entire content of your website. only twice? seems risky. what if people changed their minds? but then again, if I was asked one more time maybe I would have changed my mind.
I haven’t written much mainly because I was tired of all content i’ve produced in the past three years on this site. trying to do anything new felt like doing your makeup in bad lighting. playing a great song on bad headphones you bought at the airport because you forgot yours. or putting all your spices on your avocado toast when you know damn well the avocado wasn’t ripe. what I'm trying to say is, the set up wasn’t right anymore. or at least it didn’t feel right to me. the amounts of changes i’ve gone through in the past year, this website couldn’t keep up and wasn’t fitting my state of mind anymore. and why try and make something work when you can throw it all away and start from a blank slate?
(that only applies to website designs and not real life so don’t quote me)
about this time last year everything seemed very linear for me. I thought I had it all planned out perfectly.
but for example. 6 months into my company, I was so caught up in everything and how well it was going, as soon as I had a minute to myself I came to ask myself… what am I actually doing? I was spending half of my time filling out paper work at the customs office and the other half paying customs duties. i’m preaching all about sustainability and the environment on social media and yet in launching new products, things are being produced for me? granted, those were all made by small designers with basically zero footprint, but still, I don’t actually want to sell anything new. at least for now. I should concentrate on my actual passion, vintage pieces. so basically everything got thrown over this summer and i’m starting from an almost blank slate. maybe that does work in real life?
the best thing that’s come out of my inner turmoil, is that in the midst of all the doubts, it became very clear to me that I wanted to start writing again. I feel like I have more to say and communicate than ever, and i’m so excited to share what’s going on in my mind again. the thing that i’ve thrown out completely was actually something that calmed me and took my thoughts away from everything else, and I have a feeling it will come exactly that again. if I let it.
most importantly, i’ve been focusing more on my private life. I found love about a year ago (or whenever I was admitting it to myself, it is a bit blurry), and have managed to not run away from it. the one that got away, was always a very comfortable position for me to be in, but in the end it led me to taking no risks and not learning a thing about myself. I always got away unharmed. I was shocked when I realised how high the walls that I built for myself in the past few years have actually become. I think i’ve never learned so much about myself than I have in the past year, but letting my guard down to be completely vulnerable in from of someone else was (and is) still so much harder than I ever imagined. yet an utterly beautiful and sometimes breathtaking experience for me. I always thought that accepting the love I think I deserve would be a thing of no effort for me, since I don’t struggle with self love. but in real life it was a very different story.
I guess I wasn’t the blank slate that I thought I was.